Ed and Chris 2004 world tour

(excluding all countries but Australia, Singapore and Thailand)

Fri 09 Jan 22:00 Qantas flight QF10 to Singapore - arrive Sat 10 Jan 18:35 (+ 8 hours). Flight time: 12:35 hours (may need Whisky) on a Boeing 747!!!!!

2 nights @ Hotel Phoenix (of personal massage couch fame) activities: Rollerblading @ East Coast Parkway - rent skates here The Leopard!!! (at Singapore Zoo) shop, shop, shop! despair as feet become hopelessly blistered Burn down Raffles Hotel. Hah! Stiff me, will they? curse the fool who booked us on a flight 9am Monday morning Singapore links

Mon 12 Jan 08.50 Qantas flight QF72 to Perth - in the merry old land of Oz! Better polish up those Abba songs! arrive 13:55 (same time zone). Flight time: 5:05 hours (may need sexy hostesses) on a Boeing 747

4 nights at Ocean Beach Backpackers. activities: add to shark fatality statistics City Centre- King's Park, shops etc. change name to Dave Cinzano Bianco Lister and take on all comers in Wednesday night pool competition stuff face with fish, chips and sweet, sweet beer. watch sun go down over Indian Ocean (a most excellent Ocean by all accounts) Rottnest Island - hire bikes? snorkelling? make fun of Australian Rugby team curse the fool who booked us on another 9am flight! go on the rampage in 4WD jeeps Wed 14 Jan Fremantle prison tour @ 7.15

Dangerous Australian creatures

Fri 16 Jan 08:50 (or is it 09:00? tickets say 9:00, Qantas says 08:50, I say to-may-to, let's call the whole thing off) Qantas Flight QF642 to Sydney!!!! (may need a rising sense of almost euphoric glee) - arrive 16:00 (or 16:15) (+ 3 hours). Flight time 4:10 hours 3 nights at Surfside Backpackers - start trembling now ;-) Coogee Beach. This is the world's greatest beach!!! Also convenient for: Tascape 2004 16- 18 Jan @ Sands Hotel, Maroubra. Itinerary Fri 16 Jan evening - meet at Sands Hotel Sat 17 Jan - Farscape bus trip - hopefully they will have room for us! Sun 18 Jan - BBQ at Maroubra Beach. Get drunk, scream "Wayne!!!" until he shows up and demands we stop. Farscape links o' Doom! 5 nights at Sydney Central YHA. It's Central!! It's in Sydney!!

activities:

• collect Aust. Open and BDO tickets!
• eat so much seafood it won't even be funny
• drink a record number of fruit juices, milkshakes and smoothies
• blade!! at Milson's Point, over Harbour Bridge, in Centennial Park, at Manly Beach etc etc etc etc. Laugh hysterically as wind factor combined with relentless downhill gradient propels us to almost certain death
• swim!! at Bronte Baths, Tamarama beach etc.
• Splash a bit!! at Coogee, Manly, Maroubra etc. Say "hi!" to jellyfish pals, wake up in hospital (if you're lucky)
• walk from Bondi to Coogee! world's best walk or your money back. attempt exercise equipment! marvel at people's bodies (females especially)
• moonlight cinema Grease on 24th!!! or The Italian Job on 25th!! (bah!)
• Sydney Festival- plays?? Ian McKellen and the inestimable Merridy Eastman are walking the boards!
• Openair cinema - Casablanca on 20th!!!
• Shakespeare by the Sea Comedy of Errors or Twelfth Night
• Fox Studios!! the semi mythic realm that produced Dark City, The Matrix, Moulin Rouge, and Farcape!! woooo! food market wed, sat, sun
• Waratah Park! home of my favourite tv show!
• Homebush Bay!! home of my other favourite tv show - break into Farscape studios disguised as Rygel (may need some makeup). Failing this, hang out at adjacent jeans warehouse until we are arrested.
• whitewater rafting??
• keep eyes peeled for - Russell Crowe (always) there, Cate Blanchett, Jennifer Lopez (doubtless still following me around)
• Wonderland!! - the 27 stories of doom await!
• Max Brenner's chocolate shop - stuff face with sweet, sweet chocolate- try the Suckao as recommended by Her Claudianess
• Hunter valley? mmm, wine
• enjoy a week of debauchery the likes of which have never been seen! mmm, croquet
• Harbour Jet!! - I will never tire of this!
• Hang gliding?? extremely doubtful
• rock climbing??

Thu 22 Jan - route 69 - bus trip from hell (or your money back) - get nicely wasted in excellent preparation for:

Fri 23 Jan- Big Day Out at Sydney Showground 11am - midnight. Woohoo Metallica!!! ( and Muse, The Strokes (woo!), The Darkness, The Flaming Lips etc etc etc)

2 nights at Kanga House

Sydney links
Blading!!!!

Mon 26 Jan 10:30 Qantas flight QF425 to Melbourne - arrive 12:00 (same time zone): Flight time 1:30 hours (May need Mad Magazine)

7 ????? nights at Greenhouse Backpackers

Activities:

• blade!! in Botanical Gardens
• trams!!
• moonlight cinema - Punch-Drunk Love!!! Grease!!! School of Rock on 30th!!!
• Phillip Island (penguins!!)
• St Kilda - rent car and mow down hippies
• Neighbours tour - you can reach out and touch the excitement
• Yarra Valley ?? mmm, more wine
• watch out for - Minogue family
• see if Qantas will let us go back to Sydney early!! (may have to pay £30 - alternatively ask them again, this time adding "or I'll shoot".)

Mon 26 Jan is Australia Day!! also in the evening - Meet your Neighbours event at Elephant and Wheelbarrow - get very drunk and kiss Karl Kennedy. Tue 27 Jan - Australian Open - day session arena tickets baybee!!! - go Federer go! Ooh and go chick on the right Maria Sharapova go!

Mon 2 Feb 15:30 Qantas flight QF444 to Sydney -arrive 16:50. Flight time 1:20
Mon 2 Feb 17:55 Qantas flight QF1 to Bangkok - arrive 22:55 (- 4 hours). Flight time 9:00 hours

5 nights at Asia Hotel

activities: go to a Muay Thai fight visit the Bridge on the River Kwai - attempt to blow it up while crudely disguised as Alec Guinness (may need fake moustache) visit old temples and other cultural stuff stock up on fake merchandise (may need empty suitcase) massage!! swim in hotel pool escape to beach to avoid choking to death in city fumes? Phuket, Krabi, or Koh Samui contract hepatitis

Sat 07 Feb Qantas Flight QF301 to Heathrow (bah!) - may in fact be a British Airways plane -arrive Sun 08 Feb 05:40. Flight time 12:55 hours (may need liquid morphine)

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