| Gigs I've attended
Kylie Minogue
Earls Court, May 2005
Earls Court is admirably competing with other London venues
to provide the worst possible acoustic environment. Basically it's a complete
dump. It also makes no sense putting such a diminutive star as Kylie in such a
huge arena. I guess that's the price we pay for her popularity. It's my fault
really for neglecting to pack my telescope. As for the girl herself, Kyles did
a fair job I suppose, although she did not look happy at all and at times
looked like she couldn't really be bothered. I'll let her off though, as she
was diagnosed with cancer soon afterwards. I'm utterly in awe of her for being
so successful for so long with such meagre talent. She can't really sing that
well. It was a little presumpteous to name the tour the Showgirl tour. In fact,
part way through the evening I swear I heard a strange creaking noise coming
across the Atlantic - a noise I've come to recognise over the years as Judy
Garland spinning in her grave (no mean feat considering she was cremated). I
was disappointed that this concert didn't have the same atmosphere and energy
as in front of the gay crowd in Sydney a few years back (I have the DVD). OK,
OK, shoot me now...
Scissor Sisters
Reading, October 2004
I was dismayed that they'd allowed some fat oaf onto the
stage. She ruined the evening by spouting tedious drivel in between songs. Some
say she was part of the band but I'm skeptical. The whole thing was staged in
some noxious sport centre, and populated exclusively by slack-jawed loons. I
was forced to burn the ruddy place to the ground shortly before my speedy
departure.
V Festival
Chelmsford, August 2004
Well, the naked girls weeing in the forest were an enjoyable
addition, but overall this was a tedious affair. Goldie Looking Chain just flat
out suck, and noone else was much better. The Strokes as headliners? Spare me.
Big Day Out
Sydney Showground, January 2004
The headline act was Metallica. I'd been feeling a bit down
over the day but when Hetfield and chums came on I literally threw myself into
the proceedings. I'd bought a little studded leather bracelet earlier at one of
the numerous borderline dodgy stalls dotted around the site. I was hoping to
use the metal on my bracelet to beat a path to the front of the crowd, but it
wasn't sharp enough :-( . As usual it was raining (Australian summers eh? tsk)
- this had the unhappy effect of making the black and blue dye (which I'd
naively allowed some degenerate to spray onto my hair) to begin running over my
naked torso. It was a good show- the crowd itself provided a lot of
entertainment - at one point a large oval space was cleared and two people
started circling each other menacingly. I was bouncing up and down so
feverishly (due in no small part to the free lollies) that a number of people
offered to send me crowdsurfing (doubtless to be rid of me.) The sight of
people falling (to their deaths?) six feet onto their necks soon dissuaded me
however. One man was particularly insistant. As Metallica started playing
Battery, he said "It's Metallica, man - do it or you'll regret it for the
rest of your life." Somewhat disappointingly, he didn't add "both
seconds of it". Obviously not a Stallone fan.
Blondie
Shepherd's Bush Empire, November 2003
Debbie Harry is delicious! I was alarmed at first on entering the building
by the large number of sad looking middle aged men. Luckily their numbers
seemed to thin as the evening went on. Maybe they were arrested? They damn well
should be. Maybe it's the crack talking but I seem to remember linking arms
with a number of women and dancing at one point. One thing that definitely
happened is two vixens behind me going "woooooooo" all the time.
After the show one of them tapped me on the shoulder and said "I know you
don't like this but woooooooo". I think I loved her.
Marilyn Manson
Brixton Academy, June 2003
Well you can always rely on Manson to put on a good show, even in this
godawful dive. As usual I was impressed by the range of costumes worn by the
females in the crowd. (The males all looked like twats). Not enough girls wear
PVC corsets and dog collars in my opinion. Manson was a very long time
coming out. I thought at first he'd done a runner, or keeled over and died
backstage. But all was well. It was very hot in there - after a while the place
stank of leather and sweat. nice :-) I enjoyed the naked chicks banging drums
and Manson in a pulpit ordering us all to Fight! Fight! Fight!
Avril Lavigne
Brixton Academy, March 2003
Ah, Avril, Avril. Allegations that I went to this concert purely to ogle
girls in their inevitable shirt and tie Lavigne-style costumes are entirely
without justification I dare say. In fact I hadn't really listened to her album
much before going - but whadda you know - she actually put on an excellent
show. I got pretty close to the front too.
Pulp
Brixton Academy
Queens of the Stone Age
Enmore Theatre, Sydney
Well, they were OK.
Ute Lemper
Joe's Pub, Manhattan, September 2001
A very intimate setting. Not sure who Joe is but kudos to the bloke. I'd
only flown into NYC that morning so this was a welcome treat.
Ute Lemper
Savoy Theatre, London, July 2001
Ah, the first time I saw Ute live! And isn't she supple! This was an
absurdly hot day. In fact the theatre ran out of bottled water. But they didn't
run out of whisky!
The Divine Comedy
The Forum, London, May 2001
Neil Hannon disappointed me by turning up pissed. Still, he did a good
acoustic version of Something for the weekend.
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Brixton Academy, May 2001
Marilyn Manson
London Arena, Jan 2001
Wow, this place has the worst acoustics in the entire world! I'm genuinely
impressed.
Hey, there were people here with a madder dress sense than me!
Great night but I missed the last train back- stupid fat Manson fans blocking
the Underground.
Three days later my ears stopped ringing.
Pulp
Birmingham NEC, December 1998
They played some songs from This is Hardcore. The pure dumb critters in the
crowd were non-plussed at this. Jarvis is quite the comedian, in between songs!
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