I really try to give all movies a chance to not suck. Unfortunately this is one of those that begins in a pointless boring fashion and continues in such a way throughout. My girlfriend took one look at this festering turd and expressed the desire to leave the cinema and get very drunk. As for me, I was left with the distinct impression that I'd seen this exact film at least six times before, only better done. This is the sort of lazy, cliched, greedy, banal filmmaking that I detest. The director, producers and all others even tangentially involved must be Hilti gunned to a wall forthwith. On the plus side, Jessica Alba is smokin' hot. But her aside, I can't for the life of me understand what they were thinking casting a bunch of department store mannequins in all the other roles. The 'Fantastic' Four consists of Alba, a colossal nerd, a lunatic, and a fat bloke. The bad guy appears to be some sort of pantomime dame - I was bit confused to be honest. The film trundles on for days as it tries to be humorous (yet at the same time touching) showing how all these sad freaks develop their powers after a ridiculously implausible space accident. The acting throughout is hideous at best, and the script is worthy of a soap opera. I'm probably not spoiling things too much to say that in the end, Widow Twanky is handily defeated (in about five seconds) by the famous five. Quelle surprise considering it was four against one - I guess there's no honour amongst morons.
106 minutes
(no stars)
The Players:
Ioan Grufford as Reed Richards - the most tedious and wet character in all
history
Jessica Alba as This Movie's Redeeming Feature (tm)
Chris Evans as Johnny Moronic (what was Billie Piper thinking?)
Michael Chiklis as Ben 'My God this film is' Grimm
Julian McMahon as Victor von Stupidname
written by Ed in October 2001